I’ve spent most of my life building a version of myself I thought would finally bring me peace.
A career. A strong income. A sense of control. An engagement. Stability—at least on paper.
But no matter how “together” I looked on the outside, my nervous system was screaming. And eventually, I couldn’t silence it anymore.
What I’ve learned through trauma recovery—especially working with a polyvagal-informed therapist—is that the body keeps score in ways our minds can’t comprehend. Beneath the routines, the achievements, and the masks… I was holding a bag of pain. A dark, dense weight that lived in my stomach. Fear. Guilt. Rage. Shame. So much of it connected to my father. To the gaslighting. The manipulation. The silence. The fear I grew up inside of.
There’s no clean narrative here. No polished healing arc. Just the raw reality of waking up in a life that technically “works” but doesn’t feel true. And the terrifying, beautiful decision to ask:
What if I could build something different?
Over the past year, I’ve been moving through the pain. Slowly. With intention. I’ve had to face the part of me that used sex, relationships, travel, alcohol, and achievement as a shield against feeling. I’ve had to feel things I thought would destroy me. And I’ve had to learn what it actually means to listen to my body.
And now… I’m here.
Not healed. Not finished.
But aware.
Ready.
Ready to leave what no longer aligns with my nervous system. Ready to move toward peace, creativity, and maybe even an ocean. Ready to explore what it means to live a life that’s built from truth, not trauma.
It’s scary. Letting go of an identity I worked so hard to build. Of the fantasy that being a “responsible adult” would heal what’s unspoken. But more than anything, I’m afraid of spending the rest of my life disconnected from myself.
So I’m choosing differently.
If you’re in the space between—between surviving and becoming—I want you to know this:
There’s nothing wrong with you.
Your symptoms are signals.
Your discontent is wisdom.
Your longing is not weakness—it’s awakening.
You’re not broken.
You’re becoming fluent in life.
And you’re not alone.
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